MOTHERHOOD

What a journey motherhood has been. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would carry and deliver three babies. After struggling for years with infertility, I was plagued with anxiety and superstition while pregnant with Dannica, only to have a uterine inversion during my delivery where I almost lost my life…(you can read about Dannica’s birth story here).

Following Dannica’s birth, I wasn’t sure I could ever bring myself to have another child. In the end, I knew that I would live in regret if I didn’t try. I’ve always wanted a large family and more importantly, I wanted to give Dannica a sibling. And so we revisited IVF once more. DJ’s pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster from the beginning. At six weeks, I started bleeding. I came home after a morning of running errands because I felt like I was leaking…I hurried to the bathroom and saw the entire toilet bowl filled with bright red blood. I immediately went into my fertility clinic and they saw the source of the hemorrhage. Aside from doing my daily Progesterone shots, they put me on a strict 2 week bedrest. As the technician was wiping my blood off the floor, I broke down and cried because I knew it was over. I just had a late miscarriage right before, and I felt so defeated and crippled. When I went back in for another ultrasound, they found that the source of the bleeding had stopped and clotted. And…they found DJ’s heartbeat. Strong and steady. The nurses, technicians, even my doctor couldn’t believe it.

I thought it would be smooth sailing from there, but at my 20 week anatomy scan, they found that my cervix was too short and soft. They referred me to a neonatologist who then had me come in for weekly ultrasounds. At 24 weeks my neonatologist placed an emergency cerclage so that I wouldn’t deliver him prematurely. You can read about DJ’s birth story here.

We had one embryo left at our IVF clinic. My husband and I have talked and planned and dreamed together about having a little party of a family when we first got married. We didn’t think twice about it and went for another transfer. And after Dannica and DJ’s pregnancy and delivery, I was determined more than ever to just relax and enjoy the journey. And it proved to be my smoothest pregnancy yet. Third time was definitely the charm!

Despite it being my third pregnancy, I carried him the longest, and delivered him just a day shy of 38 weeks. The labor and delivery were so different from my other two. My water broke prematurely with both of my first two pregnancies– so naturally I was mentally preparing myself for another early delivery with my water breaking. For the first time I had my hospital bag packed and ready. I had my mother flown in at 36 weeks because I was already dilated to 1.5 cm. But days went by. And then weeks went by. And–NOTHING!

When I hit 37 weeks, I was going in for Non-Stress Tests every other day because his movements drastically decreased (at one point, I didn’t feel a single movement for over 24 hours). He had been so active my entire pregnancy that I was worried something was wrong…When I saw my doctor at my 38 week check up, we decided to come up with an action plan, and scheduled an induction date and time at my hospital.  I’ve always worried about preterm delivery that I couldn’t believe the position I was in! After my appointment, I took the kids to the museum for a playdate, then to the dentist, and then went out for dinner…basically had a full day before going to bed.

Except I couldn’t sleep because I was cramping. I want to preface this by saying that I never truly felt the onset of early contractions before because my water broke first in my previous two pregnancies–at which point I hurried over to the hospital where I was hooked up to a monitor, and the nurses told me when I was contracting. So I just stayed put, and tossed and turned trying to get some rest. By 1AM, I was in more pain. I decided to pace the room and distract myself (thank you social media and online shopping!!).  I wondered if I was in labor and contemplated calling my physician. But I didn’t want to be “that” patient, and turn into the boy who cried wolf. SO, I moved on to a hot shower. Did not work. I was in more pain than ever, and I then knew…I was definitely in labor.

It was 4:45AM when I left a message with my doctor that I was going to the hospital and woke Dave up (BTW–CAN YOU BELIEVE MY HUSBAND SLEPT THROUGH ALL THIS?!?! For better or for worse, the man can sleep through anything!). I tell Dave, “Babe! It’s time. I’m in labor. Can you text my mom to take care of the kids? Let’s go!”

I hurry downstairs with my hospital bag, and I am waiting and waiting…doing my best to breathe through my contractions. Still no Dave~. I scream, “Dave, we got to go! Where are you?” His response…”I’m brushing my teeth!” I literally thought my eyeballs were going to pop out of my face. Seriously. I yell at him to forget the teeth brushing and that I really needed to get to the hospital.

So now I am in the slowest car ride in the history of car rides ever (who slows down and stops at a yellow light when your wife is in labor? Virtually points an accusatory finger at my husband). We finally roll up into the valet area of the hospital. No one is there and I am in so much pain that I just run out, telling Dave to forget about the car and just leave it there. We hurry up onto the labor and delivery floor, check in, and at the same time my doctor called me back to say that he is on his way.

The nurse comes over to greet me and asks for my name. My response, “I need an epidural!!!!!” She smiles, takes my arm and says, “of course, let’s get you a room first to settle in.” As I’m walking down the LONGEST hallway ever, I ask her repeatedly, “is the anesthesiologist on his way? Because I would really like that epidural. I am in a lot of pain!” She casually turns to another nurse and exclaims, “can you page doctor so and so, because she’s REALLY interested in the epidural.” Even in my mind numbing pain, I could almost feel her eyes roll!

After what felt like a hike up Mount Everest, we finally get to our room. The nurse asks if it’s okay to check my cervix. I nod my consent because I can’t speak at this point. She looks up immediately and goes, “OKAY! SO YOU’RE ALMOST AT 10CM! Were you trying to go for a home birth?” I looked at her like she had three heads because, 1. I had no idea I was that dilated, and 2. what was she doing making casual conversation and cracking jokes?! And then the flurry of activity commenced– the nurses ran in with all the equipments while simultaneously telling me I not to push because my doctor was almost here. Everything afterwards felt like it all took place in a matter of seconds.

A minute later, YES!! The face I wanted to see the most– my doctor walked in!! He checks my cervix and starts to pull out the stirrups. He looks straight at me and ever so calmly says, “Aenny, get ready to push.” Wait…WHAT?!?!?

Me, “Wait. What!? But. Dr. Wester!” Pant, pant, pant, grunt, pant, pant, pant. “But. I. Asked. For. An. Epidural!!!!”

My doctor, “Aenny, there is no time…You can do this. I know you can.”

Me, “nononononono. I REALLY can’t” Pant pant pant. I cross my legs here (now I’m just flat out being a big baby, but totally don’t care–you let go a lot of your dignity when you’re in labor). “I won’t push until I have my epidural.”

My doctor looks at my face. I stare back at him, legs still crossed. He opens his mouth. Closes it. Then says, “Okay. Hang on for a sec.” He hurries out and then comes back in with….TADA!!!!! The anesthesiologist!! Now where was he before?!?!

The anesthesiologist turns to me and says, “we are pressed for time, so I will need your verbal consent for everything.” Here, he asks me a bunch of questions to which I just rapidly fire out a string of yeses. While I was sitting hunched over and doing everything in my power not to move or shake, I could feel my baby moving down the birthing canal…it felt like I was burning up inside out…or being ripped apart. I lie back down and immediately start pushing. And pushing. And pushing.

At this point, I was in so much pain that I was delirious. That’s when Dave looked at me, and I saw the wild excitement all over his face. He says, “Aenny, he’s there! He’s there! You’re so close! So close! Just one more babe. Just one more push. I know you can do this.” And it was exactly what I needed to hear–because…I was GOING to meet my baby!! And I pushed with what I could only describe as a mother’s strength…that out of body, mind over matter kind of strength…and was rewarded with the most beautiful sound known to humankind.

And then, time just stands still. The whole world stands still. There is no greater moment…no greater joy…no greater love story…than the first time you meet your baby and become a mother. You hold this little miracle, and it is like you’re seeing in color for the first time. And for the third time I wonder, how is this kind of love contained? How? What did I do to deserve such a blessing. I had three very different births with all three of my children, but one thing is the same… The tidal wave of wonderment and love and joy is unmatched to any other emotions or memory experienced before.

After coming back down to reality, we were all crying and hugging and laughing at how crazy the whole process was. Dave and I got out of our parked car at 5:08AM and I was holding my son by 6:07AM. I was still wearing the clothes I came in! Dr. Wester was cleaning and wiping the blood off the floor (the nurses told me that he is the only doctor to get on his hands and knees and clean up after his deliveries), and my anesthesiologists told me that he only administered the epidural because he was doing Dr. Wester a favor (normally, he would refuse and say it is too late). I am so forever grateful to my doctor, for making us all feel safe and for bringing my baby into this world, my husband for standing by my side through it all, our parents and friends for stepping in when we were in need, and to my children Dannica, DJ and Bella for being the best children and older siblings a mom could possibly hope for. And thank you God, for you are so marvelous and good when we are so undeserving. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

All in all, it was my last pregnancy…last time feeling those hiccups and kicks and watching my belly grow. And it was my last labor and delivery. The last time to hold and smell and meet someone I’ve been loving and waiting on so patiently for what feels like my whole life. And it was the most exquisitely beautiful way to close one chapter of my life…before beginning another…

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We have been waiting all year to bust out our Halloween books…I kept telling myself that I will wait until October 1st. But…alas…September 1st rolled around, and we just couldn’t wait a single more day! Last year, I wrote about my singular love for Halloween and that love has only grown once I had children. I love everything about it–the whimsy, the fantasy, the weather, the food, the traditions…what’s not to love about Halloween 🙂 So up went the decorations, out came the books and next week I am going to take the kiddos to the Pumpkin Patch (first trip of maaaaaaaany).

I love prepping Dannica for all things Halloween with books, and wanted to share some of our current favorites (you can find our Halloween book list from last year here–I’ve also included the post at the bottom).

1. Ghost in the House–A lift the flap book that is also a counting book (both my 7 month old son and my 3 year old daughter love it) and has a fun rhythm to it for reading. We LOVE this book!
2. The Legend of Spookley the Square Pumpkin–WONDERFUL Halloween book that teaches a valuable lesson about being and loving yourself! A square pumpkin ends up saving all the pumpkins that made fun of him for his odd shape—and in the end differences are embraced and celebrated.
3. Don’t Push the Button, A Halloween Treat–We love all the Don’t Push the Button books for its fun and interactive nature. This is also a great book for babies! Our son loves it!
4. Cat’s Night Out–Beautiful illustratimons and a fun counting book.
5. The Scariest Book Ever–A ghost is too scared to venture out, but reluctantly goes out to keep the reader safe and ends up having a blast!!
6. How to Make Friends with a Ghost–This is such a sweet book…I even teared up a bit reading it. The little girl does grow up and eventually passes away and turns into a ghost… if it is something you do not want to expose your child to yet, I would wait on this book.
7. Bonaparte Falls Apart–Such an adorable book about a little skeleton boy who keeps falling apart. This book was perfect for both Halloween and prepping Dannica for her first day of school!
8. Which Way to Witch School–Dannica loves this book too! Like the book above, it is a bonus for those children just starting school (Dannica started preschool this year and is fascinated by anything school related).

And these books are not pictured, but my daughter is LOVING all the Fancy Nancy Halloween books (especially Nancy’s Ghostly Halloween) and my baby boy is loving all the Sandra Boynton Halloween books! We also cannot leave out our favorites from last year because those are still on repeat around our house–If you haven’t yet, you MUST get “No Such Thing”! I hope some of these books will help your children get excited for all things Halloween as well!

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HALLOWEEN BOOK LIST 2017 EDITION

Dannica has been absorbing like a sponge on all things Halloween. She asks to go to the pumpkin patch on repeat. She loves to yell, “Skulls! Spiders!! Bats!!! Ghosts say BOO!!!!” And her favorite of course, “PUUUUUUUUUUMPKINNNNNNNNS!!!!!” We picked up a bunch of Halloween coloring books and Halloween themed band-aids from the dollar section at Target, and she’s been going through them like there’s no tomorrow. What’s also been on repeat around the house are all her Halloween books! Here are some of our current favorites!!

It took me close to two years to write down Dannica’s birth story…A huge part of that was because I did not want to relive it. It wasn’t until I was pregnant with DJ and nearing his delivery that I was forced to face my first delivery and come to peace with it. You can read about Dannica’s birth story here. 

After Dannica was born, my husband and I spoke with several different OBGYNS as well as my neonatologist about the uterine inversion. They were all confused because medically, my uterus should not have prolapsed. It was a huge relief to hear this from all the different doctors because that meant that my first delivery was a freak accident in every sense of the word, and they were all confident that I should be able to deliver safely and smoothly for future pregnancies. 

One of the first things I did after I recovered from my delivery was to switch OBGYNs. I did an exit interview with my former clinic where I expressed how I felt and why I was so frustrated over my labor and delivery experience. To which my former doctor said that there isn’t a single doctor who delivers all their patients’ babies. She told me she was only on duty until 5PM and that she had left me in very capable hands. I absolutely understood where she was coming from because you also don’t want an overworked doctor to operate on you. I told her which doctor and clinic I was switching over to. She was then quiet for a moment and said, “well that is the one doctor that I know who has delivered all of his patients’ babies.” And then she admitted that the other partner at the clinic had delivered both her daughters. 

It is strange…She didn’t have to tell me those things for me to know that I was making the right decision in choosing my current doctor. The clinic, the doctor, the whole experience was so different from day one. That is why it is so important to do your homework, and to interview and research the clinics and doctors before settling on one (something that I did not do the first time). My current doctor has seen me for every single appointment throughout my entire pregnancy. Every time I came for a follow-up, it was like picking up exactly where we left off. He knew my medical history inside and out. And he personally did so much research on uterine inversions, it made my husband and I so grateful that our doctor just CARED so much. 

At 37 weeks my neonatologist took out my cerclage (a cerclage is where they surgically suture your cervix shut to prevent preterm delivery). As soon as it was taken out, my current OBGYN, Dr. Wester said that I was 1cm dilated, and that I should prepare myself in case I go into labor soon. So we flew our mother in law out to take care of Dannica once I’m at the hospital. Three days after she flew in, my water broke a little after midnight on Saturday 2/3. So DJ’s birth started very similarly to Dannica’s, but could not have gone more differently. 

It was close to 1AM when I finally got to the hospital. When I told the staff my doctor’s name, they told me that Dr. Wester was already there delivering another patient’s baby! We got to our room, and the nurse told us that Dr. Wester was informed of our arrival and that all precautions were already taken care of and set aside. He had reserved extra bags of blood in case I needed another transfusion, and requested the nurse to put in two PICCs should he need to pump blood into me as quickly as possible. 

Soon after he delivered the other patient’s baby, he came to see us…and he looked so tired… He had already been working all day, delivered a baby, and now it was 2 am. I was nervous he would put me in another doctor’s hands and have history repeat itself… Or have me induced to speed up the labor. But he checked how my cervix was progressing, said everything looked great and said that the baby will come when he is ready and then smiled at me. He left the room at which point I thought he left the hospital to go home and rest before he would be paged. But my nurse told me that he actually was in the hospital bed and waited all night just in case my labor would progress rapidly. 

When it was finally time to push, he was just so patient! I was barely given 30 minutes to push Dannica before they used the forceps. But he just let me take my time, and really coached me push by push all the way through. Before I knew it, I heard my baby cry, and then he was in my arms! The first thing I want to say is that, there is not one single moment in life that will equal (or even come close to) the exhilaration and love that will course through every cell of your body like that moment when you meet and hold your baby for the first time. The second thing is that, each time is just as spectacular as the first birth… that feeling does not diminish in any way. Just like Dannica’s–I felt my whole body, from the tips of my hair to the ends of my toes just freeze and explode. It felt like the whole universe expanded all around me, and at the same time I felt like he and I were the only ones in existence. It felt like all was SILENT, but at the same time explosions were going off left and right, all around us… I wanted to have that moment live on forever and ever. 

When the cloud of exhilaration dissipated, I looked up and saw all the many faces who helped deliver this little miracle to us, and I was just so overwhelmed with so much gratitude. My husband and I looked at our Doctor, and all we could say over and over again was “thank you, thank you, thank you…” 

When things calmed down and my doctor came back to check up on me, I could see the relief in his eyes having safely delivered my baby. I could tell he does not see his profession as a job, nor his clients as patients. He sees us as future mothers to babies who need them, daughters to parents who raised them, and wives to husbands who love them…Not as a job to get done, but a sacred passage that he conducts with the utmost respect and diligence. 

After what happened during Dannica’s birth, I am so blessed to have experienced the labor and delivery I prayed for. 

There are so many people my husband and I want to thank for the birth of our beautiful baby boy. Dr. William Schoolcraft from CCRM who helped me conceive and made it all possible from the beginning. Our neonatologist, Dr. Greg Lindsay from Obstetrix for overseeing my cerclage and helping me carry DJ to 37 weeks. To all the nurses at Rose Medical who helped me recover. To my dear friend Annie Sandhu who introduced me to the wonderful Dr. Robert Wester. And of course, to Dr. Wester himself from Midtown OBGYN. Who took me on as a patient, who was always there for us, who brought our baby safely into the world, and who we now consider a great and forever friend—we owe you a lifetime of gratitude. Thank you from the bottom of all of our hearts.